Pick Up Artist Kombat

You know who annoys me…people who read those ridiculous books that “teach” you how to score some poon. You know the types that read them. Since that damn show on VH1, everyone seems to know someone who applies the techniques of the immortal Mystery.


You know why I hate these creeps…they ruin it for nice guys. They make all guys seem like complete morons centered on one thing: bedding a lassie. Here is a basic list of Mystery's tips, referred to as “The Mystery Method“.

Step 1) Prep work: Dress how you want to be perceived. If you want to feel like a big shot banker, dress like Gordon Gekko. If you want to be a rock star, dress like Tommy Lee. If you want to be a douche, dress like Mystery. I think this is referred to as “Peacocking”. The key is to dress as obnoxious as possible.

Step 2) Scout venues: Go to a place where you know there will be plenty of tail. Strength in numbers. The key is to be in the right environment to “get your game on/head right”. Basically, stick to places that don't stage poetry readings.

Step 3) Working the room: When approaching a girl, start with a clever one liner or topic she may find interesting...maybe a joke or observation. Also, make sure you show “high value” and “popularity“. Talk about work, education, hobbies, your three ten inch peen. If you aren’t very interesting, learn to bullshit. After this “non-threatening fun communication”, you “build attraction”.

Step 4) Initiate contact/go for kill. Play with the girl’s hair, rub her arms, etc. Eventually, tell her you want to kiss her. Take girl home. Sex her silly.


Seriously, does it make any sense to take tips on how to score from a guy that looks like this? I feel the need to go off on his followers because they ruin it for me and my fellow privateers. These aren’t tips to get you laid…these are tips to make you a massive asshole. If you are desperate enough buy Mystery's book, you probably are socially inept.

Argh…sorry, that was the Sneha K in me talking. It may come off as bitter, but I truly wonder if girls come across losers that use Pick-Up Artist techniques. Or better yet, what girls fall for this mumbo? Seriously though, any guy that resorts to these tactics should be euthanized on the spot Eight Belles style. Too soon? My bad.

Anyways, the moral of the story is if the ladies knew not all guys use some "method" to meet women, I might just have a shot at consensual sex. Until then, I’ll have to stick to slipping mickeys. Yardeed.