Kissing Thomas Kauffman

Pick Up Artist Kombat

2008-05-10T01:16:00.003-05:00

You know who annoys me…people who read those ridiculous books that “teach” you how to score some poon. You know the types that read them. Since that damn show on VH1, everyone seems to know someone who applies the techniques of the immortal Mystery.

You know why I hate these creeps…they ruin it for nice guys. They make all guys seem like complete morons centered on one thing: bedding a lassie. Here is a basic list of Mystery's tips, referred to as “The Mystery Method“.

Step 1) Prep work: Dress how you want to be perceived. If you want to feel like a big shot banker, dress like Gordon Gekko. If you want to be a rock star, dress like Tommy Lee. If you want to be a douche, dress like Mystery. I think this is referred to as “Peacocking”. The key is to dress as obnoxious as possible.

Step 2) Scout venues: Go to a place where you know there will be plenty of tail. Strength in numbers. The key is to be in the right environment to “get your game on/head right”. Basically, stick to places that don't stage poetry readings.

Step 3) Working the room: When approaching a girl, start with a clever one liner or topic she may find interesting...maybe a joke or observation. Also, make sure you show “high value” and “popularity“. Talk about work, education, hobbies, your ~~three~~ ten inch peen. If you aren’t very interesting, learn to bullshit. After this “non-threatening fun communication”, you “build attraction”.

Step 4) Initiate contact/go for kill. Play with the girl’s hair, rub her arms, etc. Eventually, tell her you want to kiss her. Take girl home. Sex her silly.

Seriously, does it make any sense to take tips on how to score from a guy that looks like this? I feel the need to go off on his followers because they ruin it for me and my fellow privateers. These aren’t tips to get you laid…these are tips to make you a massive asshole. If you are desperate enough buy Mystery's book, you probably are socially inept.

Argh…sorry, that was the Sneha K in me talking. It may come off as bitter, but I truly wonder if girls come across losers that use Pick-Up Artist techniques. Or better yet, what girls fall for this mumbo? Seriously though, any guy that resorts to these tactics should be euthanized on the spot Eight Belles style. Too soon? My bad.

Anyways, the moral of the story is if the ladies knew not all guys use some "method" to meet women, I might just have a shot at consensual sex. Until then, I’ll have to stick to slipping mickeys. Yardeed.

Take A Bow Madonna

2008-04-30T17:03:00.002-05:00

Don’t get me wrong, I used to like Madonna. She is one of my all-time favorite 80’s artists. There is no denying that back in the day, she was hot. I mean, what self respecting guy didn’t wear sexy lace gloves and “Boy Toy” belts?
That being said, I wish she quit when she was ahead. Time has only made me realize how much of a hypocrite she was and still is. Now, whenever I hear her name, I get annoyed. It always seems like she is trying to hawk something, whether it is Kabbalah or shampoo. I mean, seriously, how much money is enough? I guess I get annoyed because I have gotten in several heated debates with women who feel Madonna is a great role model. Honestly, if my kid ever looked up to her, I would consider myself a failure as a parent.

Yargh, it is because of these annoying debates I ~~wanted~~ needed to make a list of reasons why I hate Madonna. This list will serve a great reference for friends that choose to go against me in this debate.

So without further adieu, my ten reasons why Maddona sucks:

1) She moved to England and was bitching about how Americans are all materialistic. Didn’t she have a song called “Material Girl”? To make matters worse, she did her bitching in a British accent. She is from freakin Detroit.

2) She doesn’t let her kids watch tv because it is a bad influence. If it weren’t for television, she would never be where she is. She was in the right place, at the right time. Anyways, getting back to her kids and tv, it is probably because she doesn’t want them to end up like Britney or Christina, acting all whorish and such. She may also be freaked they will turn on VH-1 and see footage of this (NSFW).

3) She probably set back the gay movement with all her fake lesbo stuff just to get attention (ie: shock value = attention = money).4) She has authored (or co-authored) at least 10 books. Her topics range from her “Sex” book to a series of children’s books. Anyone that writes books for the sake of it, and it isn’t their main career, is annoying in my book. Besides, reading books is an overrated experience. Thats why we have televisions and the internets.

5) Kabbalah is a cult.

6) She should have quit while she was ahead. Her last good album may have been “Bedtime Stories“.

7) “Swept Away” was awful.

8) She was recently inducted into the Rock Hall of Fame. I guess she deserves to be in it, but there are a bunch of worthy acts that at this point, probably didn’t deserve to be lapped. That is another blog post.

9) She did a duet with Justin Timberlake (4 Minutes). JT is a douche. The song sucks too.

10) She supports Hillary. Need I say more.

The more I think about, I probably only needed 3 or 4 reasons to prove why Madonna is annoying. She essentially exploited her sexuality to get where she is in life. Once record producers saw women could use t+a to sell records, regardless of talent, the game changed. I am sure MTV didn’t help matters too. Long story short, she set the women’s movement back at least 20 years.

A Caricature of Yarself

2008-04-28T22:16:00.008-05:00

I was sorta bored today, so I wanted to give ya'll a special treat...and by treat, I mean a self portrait. I spent alot of time on it (20 min with MS Paint). Beat that Gustav Klimt. I added a corncob pipe to coordinate with my profile pic. I didn't add a captain's hat because my hair is too pretty to cover. I also happen to be sporting big hair right now.

I actually got the idea to create this image from a Neil Jam painting of Barack and Hillary. His work has a haunting quality to it. It is obviously the eyes. Anyways, my inspiration is below.

The Zen of Elevators

2008-04-25T21:38:00.008-05:00

I hate elevators. Well, I wouldn’t say I hate them, so much as I hate riding them with strangers. If I had to guess, I take 8-10 elevator rides a day, and about half of them are with strangers. For some reason, I instinctually hold my breath when riding with strangers. I don’t exhale until I get out of the cart. It is a weird phenomenon because I can be in an elevator with friends, and be perfectly fine. The problem only exists with strangers. I guess it is selective claustrophobia.

The only thing worse than riding elevators with strangers is riding them with strangers who like to talk. Actually, I think desperate to talk may be a better choice of words. In my condo, we have mirrored doors, so I can look at others I am riding with. Looking at the mirrors, I can tell by their faces if they wanna say something, like talk about the weather, or talk about some new meaningless building repair.

The most I do to acknowledge others is head nod.

Long story short, if possible, I try to take the stairs.

The video above is of a guy who was stuck in an elevator for about 41 hours. The only thing I thought when I saw this video was that it could have been worse...he could have been stuck with a stranger.

Anyways, below is a tip for anyone who wants their elevator trips to be a little quicker (assuming the cart doesn‘t stall). It is very easy to activate the emergency override in elevators. I do this whenever possible, but only when I am alone or with friends. No worries, no bells and whistles will go off by doing this.

***When you are in the elevator, as soon as the doors shut, press and hold down the “door close” button and the floor you want to go to at the same time. Hold them down for roughly 5 seconds. The elevator will go directly to your floor, skipping all the ones in between. The elevator will also go a little faster, so don‘t be surprised if your ears pop.***

You’re welcome.

A New Hotshot Blog On The Scene...

2008-04-25T21:28:00.008-05:00

...check this site out:

The Festivus Prole

Give them some comments/feedback, I want to see the blog continue. It has potential.

The 10 Gayest Songs On My Ipod…

2008-04-07T18:48:00.012-05:00

…not that there is anything wrong with them.

I got a new Ipod for Christmas, but never got around to transferring my music to it. Anyways, I figured with summer around the corner, it was time to make the switch from my old player.

With the transfer, it was a great time to take inventory of what music I wanted keep, and what I wanted to purge. The device has plenty of space to keep all my music (good and bad), but I am one of those people that gets embarrassed when friends wanna check out my collection. This is probably because I tend to act all high and mighty about my taste in music, but from the looks of my collection (some of it anyways), I could be called a massive hypocrite. As far as I know, there is no way to create ghost folders in Ipods.

Getting to the theme of this post, here is a list of the 10 fruitiest songs I will probably still transfer to my new Ipod. I "YouTube" linked all the songs music videos too. The videos only reinforce my point of view.

Wham! - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

ABBA - Thank You For the Music

Elton John and Kiki Dee - Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

Erasure - Chains of Love

Mika - Love Today

Taco - Putting on the Ritz

Sheena Easton - 9 to 5 (Morning Train)

Scissor Sisters - I Don’t Feel like Dancing

Olivia Newton-John and ELO - Xanadu

Kylie Minogue - Outta My Head

P.S. - Off topic, while the picture may seem like a joke, I actually like Siegfried and Roy. When I was a little kid, I was fortunate enough to meet them when checking out their tiger habitat at the Mirage hotel in Vegas. They were very nice to all the tourists they surprised. The duo posed for many a pictures. I am sure they would appreciate my list.

Chai Instructional Video

2008-04-02T23:01:00.015-05:00

You're welcome.

This is the first flick I made completely on my own, so don't overly criticize it. In all, it took me two hours to make this instructional video. All things considered, it was fairly simple to make, just more tedious than I thought. By the end of it, I gained a new found respect for people who constantly make movies for YouTube.

That being said, I need to make a better version of this. I need to improve the resolution, lighting, direction, soundtrack...basically it needs better production.

I should add, for Step Five, I probably should have shown the process of microwaving the milk/water combo, but I wasn't all into dragging my laptop to the kitchen. Just remember to add the tea AFTER boiling the liquids.

UPDATE (1 pm 4/3): I probably should have included the recipe in the post because the video subtitles go somewhat fast. Also, I am sure many of you (3-5 people?) were distracted by my dainty fingers in action.

EASY CHAI RECIPE

TOOLS NEEDED
Bodum Milk Frother

INGREDIENTS
~ 1/3 cup of water
~ 1/3 cup of milk (experiment with fat content)
1 tsp of sugar
1 tsp of tea (Taj Majal, Red Label, etc)
2-3 cardamon pods (cracked)

INSTRUCTIONS
1) Remove top of frother and fill cylinder with milk, water, cardamon, and sugar. Should not go beyond printed line on cylinder.

2) Microwave cylinder until it bubbles up (~1:30-1:40 min). Make sure you view this process because microwave power varies from one machine to next.

3) Add tea, then attach top to cylinder. Make sure the vented end of the top isn't lined up with lip of cylinder. Then shake the device. Wait 5 min for tea to seep.

4) Give the device one more quick shake, then pump it until the liquid doubles in size.

5) Immediately after pumping, pull pump top up slightly, and pour into cup. As you do this, slowly push down on top to force rest of tea out of cylinder. Make sure vented end of top is lined up with lip of cylinder.

6) Optional: dash with nutmeg, all spice, or cinnamon.

The Ultimate Sexual Innuendo Portfolio (v2.0)

2008-04-02T17:57:00.009-05:00

Since the market has been iffy of late, I figured why not make a portfolio of funny named/tickered companies. The list also includes funds. All can be found in Yahoo Finance or MSN Money. This is actually the second permutation of the portfolio. I obviously have waaay too much free time.

Chubb (CB)

Life Partners Holdings (LPHI)

Lubrazol (LZ)

Luby S Inc (LUB)

Siemens (SI)

Rub-A-Dub (RUBD)

County First Bank (CUMD)

Scupper Pathway Conservative (SUCCX)

Hardwoods (HDIUF)

BJ Services (BJS)

Dicks (DKS)

Uranerz Energy Corp. (URZ)

Jack in the Box Inc (JBX)

Annaly Capital Management (NLY)

Assurant (AIZ)

Silicon Motion (SIMO)

Nippon (NTT)

...and for honorable mention: Ennis, Inc. (EBF)

Crappy Day Outside

2008-03-31T12:01:00.007-05:00

Raining hard here. Once in a while, it is cool to have days like this. At least it isn't freezing.

There is an eerie calm to rain, especially in the city.

Anyways, the day reminded me of the George Harrison classic "While My Guitar Gently Weeps". This version of the song is by Jake Shimabukuro. The guy seems like a one trick pony because this appears to be the only song he plays in public. That being said, if you can play a song this good, you really don't need a catalog of songs.

I wanted to post Jake's appearance from Conan O'Brien, but I guess it was pulled for copyright mumbo.

B2B music posts. Sticking to what I know. Yardeed, I'm also a one trick pony.

Favorite Albums (Vol. 1)

2008-03-30T12:02:00.009-05:00

I must have been 25 when old media stopped influencing my music taste. When I say "old media", I am referring to Mtv, VH-1, BET, and most terrestrial radio. Popular music now a days is just too youth-centric. It is impossible to tell one group from the next. A lot of whinny voices. Musicianship is replaced by posing and haircuts. I don’t think anything “classic” has come out of this era. I hate to admit this, but I feel the last important artist of my generation may have been Tupac.

I could bitch and moan all day about how bad popular music is, but I want to attempt to focus on what I believe is the good stuff. Through family, friends, and co-workers, I’m always introduced to new music. These recommendations are all over the map, some classic, some contemporary, some possibly just disposable and for the moment.

Anyways, every week or two, I’m going to attempt to give four album recommendations based on what I am listening to at the moment. I’ll try to keep them short and to the point because honestly, I think most of the stuff I like is sort of polarizing. I linked the videos for my favorite tracks (via YouTube) so you can easily check them out. I guess my taste is fairly diverse.

Cat Power - You Are Free

Before I say anything about this album, I must confess I probably hate like 95% of female rockers. In order to be considered legit, I think most “chick” rockers have to be not just as good, but better than most of their male contemporaries. Because of this, I feel some decide early in their careers to either be super feminine or super tough. These artists are just setting themselves up for failure. That being said, Cat Power is more than legit. It is very unapologetic music. It could care less what you think of it. It is good music if you want to be alone. I like to listen to this album when I am in an anti-social mood. Besides your Ipod, all you need are shades and you are good to go for a stroll through town while dreaming. (fav track - “He War“)

Klaxons - Myths of the Near Future

This is what I would call a polarizing album. You will either think it is genius or just screwed up. I think this music is referred to as psychedelic-pop. It is very conceptual, but it makes sense since the band is made up of a group of art students. Think of the bastard child of Duran Duran and Chemical Brothers. Anyways, I have a strange obsession with this album. I like a bunch of tracks on it. It is awesome driving music, just make sure you have a radar detector. (fav track - toss up “Golden Skans” or “Atlantis to Interzone”)

Elton John - Tumbleweed Connection

I probably would have never listened to this had it not been for the movie “Dog Day Afternoon”. Don’t get me wrong, I always liked Elton John, but never knew he had a “classical period“. I am used to his more theatrical stuff from the late 70’s. This album is perfect to listen to before making a big decision in life. It is somewhat contemplative. Very stripped down. Long story short, if I ever have a daughter, I think I am gonna name her Amoreena. (fav track - “Amoreena”).

Lupe Fiasco - The Cool

This is probably my favorite pre-party album. It is smart hip-hop, not simple beats with nonsense being said over it. One thing I respect about Lupe is that he works with all kinds of different producers from different genres. The album is huge (20 tracks?), but very diverse. It has some soul, some trance, even a little rock. I love how Lupe isn’t afraid to use full studio bands to produce his sound. He doesn’t go cheap and just sample tracks and beats. All I can say is that this album could just redeem hip hop if it is given a fair shake. (fav track - “Superstar“)

Random Dumb Dream

2008-03-29T20:47:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had a bizarre dream, then a few days later, you revisit the dream from where it left off?

I think the dream first started on Sunday or Monday. Dream sequences are in italics.

One day I was driving in the desert, then all of a sudden I see this alligator in the middle of the road. As I approached it, I saw that it was about to eat what looked like a puppy. The puppy could barely see, maybe because it was just born, I wasn’t sure. Just as the gator was about to attack, I jumped out of my car, and grabbed the puppy, barely saving it from the gator. I then made a mad dash for my car as the gator was pissed at me. I somehow got into the car and slammed the door just in time. The gator rammed my wheels a few times, then gave up and walked away. Several things surprised me in that I didn’t see the puppy’s mom anywhere. I also didn’t see where the gator could have come from, since we were in the desert and not close to any water. Going on, I somehow found myself driving into the night with the puppy in the front seat. It looked somewhat helpless. Strangely, I didn’t feed it or anything. Once I got to my home, I decided to just put the puppy under my parent’s bed then I went off, forgetting about it.

At this point in the dream, I guess I moved on to a new topic of interest, maybe work or girls, not sure. All I know was that I was driving in the desert. The puppy scene was more or less a random segue.

Anyways, Thursday night/Friday morning, I revisited this dream.

I was randomly walking around my home when I somehow stumbled near my parent’s room again. At that moment, I remembered I had thrown the puppy under their bed a few days ago. I decided to look under the bed to see if it was still alive, and somehow it was. I called the puppy and he walked over to me slowly. It apparently could see, and somehow found some food under the bed, which made no sense. Anyways, the puppy seemed to have grown to be about middle aged, but it was sort of freaky looking. It had a normal dog body, but a bizarre long face/head. It had a bunch of tiny sharp teeth, and it hissed a lot at me. Even though it seemed sort of standoffish, the dog didn’t really scare me. Then everything went all crazy. I somehow found myself helping the dog make a resume and it was all about looking for a job. It couldn’t speak at all, unless you count hissing. After the resume was complete, it took the resume and ran off. I ran after it, but it was too fast. At that point, I was sick of the dog anyways, and was happy it was gone. Eventually, it came back. I asked it(I never gave it a name) if it got a job, and it hissed at me. Next thing I knew, we were in a vet’s office and the dog was getting a check up. I asked the vet was the deal with the dog was. The vet looked at me and said “I don’t believe it is a dog? In fact I have no clue what it is. I also think it could be rabid.” I then looked at the “dog” and it gave me an evil look, and jumped me.

At this point, I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I told you it was random. I felt the need to attempt to draw what it looked like. It was a cross between a dog and some other rodent, but I wasn’t sure what. After describing the animal’s head to a coworker, he told me it was probably a possum. I checked out Google to find a picture of a possum and it was a match to the head I dreamt of. I figured the rest of the body was a coyote, since they could be found in the desert.

I really should do a post on dreams one of these days, because I’ve been having weird ones of late.

Hillary wasn't lying about Bosnia

2008-03-27T10:52:00.004-05:00

(via YouTube via Barely Political)

How do you like them apples?

2008-03-26T10:10:00.002-05:00

Airlines...ARGH

2008-03-25T21:58:00.006-05:00

Have you ever gone to a travel website like Expedia, Orbitz, or Kayak to get a plane ticket, and just when you are about to buy, the price changes?

This happened to me yesterday. I was gonna buy a ticket to DC for a little golf, maybe take in some of the Potomic night life. Anyways, just as I was about to buy, the price jumped about 33%.

Where do airlines get off? Getting people's hopes up then reneging. The nerve.

The End.

2008-03-25T01:22:00.002-05:00

The Roman Empire, Disco, Atari, the Emperors Club VIP, and now blogs.

All good things come to end. With me starting a blog, it is safe to assume the end is near.